Phrases That Have To Go

If someone ever took the time out from their oh-so-busy schedules to contemplate on humanity, he (or she, sorry feminists) would find that most of human actions are just exercises in silliness. We wake up when we are still sleepy, put on an outfit manufactured by cutting up fabrics into weird shapes, tie a cloth around our necks, sit in a 1 ton machine with four rubber disks at the bottom (and one extra disk in the trunk) and go to a place to earn pieces of paper which have some arbitrary value, while continuously imbibing strange caffeine-laden concoctions.

Yes, humans and their actions are silly and perhaps the silliest thing humans ever invented is language. We use language all the time and unlike Bilawal Bhutto, we usually make sense. But, we never realize how weird some of the things we say are. Take the phrase ‘I took the bus to work’ for example. Unless you’re the Incredible Hulk or Akash Ambani, I find that to be a bit of an overstatement. It is the bus which takes you, not the other way around.

Language is full of such flawed phrases. But, there are some phrases which are not just plain stupid, like Rahul Gandhi, but they have absolutely no use in the modern society, again like Rahul Gandhi, and just have to go , you know like, you get the idea.

· ‘Hamare Zamaane Mein Toh’ : This phrase has been heard by Indians every time they have asked their parents for money. According to the ancient Sanskrit scriptures, a man becomes an ‘Uncleji’ when he first utters this phrase in his life. It is mostly used by Indians to reminisce about the golden days gone by and lament on the decay of the world which they see around them now. Every Indian parents will tell you about their youth,when they studied hard ,never demanded pocket-money and kept away from members of the opposite gender. But, they will conveniently forget to mention how they styled their hair like a squirrel which has been recently crushed by 12 Eicher trucks and wore bell-bottomed pants paired with bright pastel shirts which made the world grateful that colour photography wasn’t popular. That is why this phrase has to go because it just tells you one side of the story, which is kind of like Rajdeep Sardesai’s reporting and look where that led to. I mean, fighting on camera seriously? Don’t we have enough of that in Bigg Boss?

· ‘Ab Aage Ka Kya Socha Hai’: One of the admirable qualities of Indians is that they are always thinking ahead. Except when it comes to gay rights. Or women’s rights. Or decriminalization of politics. Well, let’s just say they are always thinking about what’s ahead. A 24-year old Indian bachelor was NOT asked this at a marriage function and now, they are thinking of nominating him for the Padma Shri. Yes, it is that easy to get a Padma Shri. Even Dr.Batra has one. This phrase has to go simply because it has harassed more young Indians than IIT-IIM graduates turned authors. (Yes, there are many of them. THE HORROR!!) or there will dawn a day when Eminem will perform ‘Sing for the Moment’ at a concert in India and a fat, pot-bellied Punjabi uncle will climb on stage and ask him ‘Bete, gaana bajana toh thik hai. Magar ab aage ka kya socha hai?’

· I am a Foodie : This phrase has to go purely on the basis of its absurdity. A foodie is someone who loves to eat. What is the point in proclaiming that you love something which you absolutely have to do to survive anyway? What’s next? A breathie, someone who loves to inhale oxygen or a uriney, someone who loves to pee? And what’s the opposite of a foodie? Someone who hates to eat? That would really meddle with the heads of torturers. They would place a non-foodie in a dungeon without food for days and he’d be happier than Arnab Goswami interviewing Pakistani generals.Foodies have gone beyond just proclaiming their love for food in their Twitter bios and have now spawned a group of people called ‘Food Bloggers’ which basically means ‘I have a rich dad’ or ‘I am a rich dad’. The next time someone tells you that he or she is a foodie, stuff 12 kilos of spicy Bhut Jholakia chillies down their throat channelling your inner Samuel L Jackson and screaming ‘SAY FOODIE AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU’

· ‘Mera Bharat Mahaan’ : This was a phrase invented by Indians because they wanted to feel good about themselves and masturbation just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Somehow, somewhere, we Indians got the notion that we are a great and glorious country. Which we are not, for the most part. Sure, we have a rich culture, a proud heritage but we rank behind countries like Libya ( A country which was ruled by a horny dictator for decades) in healthcare and Lesotho (A country which you didn’t even know existed until you read this) in literacy. This phrase has to go because the sooner we start accepting that India is not that great, the quicker we can actually get down to making improvements. But of course, people will still look at the world with rose-tinted glasses because, who needs sinful things like health and education when you’ve got a glorious culture with you, right?

And finally,

· Awesome With 2 Exclamation Points : Everything’s ‘Awesome!!’ these days. Right from the news that your friend is getting married to the latest flavour of sewage served at Barista, which for some reason their marketing department calls ‘coffee’. Yes, the same word is used to describe the fact that two human beings fell in love and want to spend their lives together and a new overpriced drink which some coffee chain came up with which basically tastes like everything else on their menu. This phrase has got to go, before we find ourselves being bombarded by articles like ’17 Awesome!! Facts About The Lice In Anil Kapoor’s Chest Hair’ or ‘What This Awesome!! Group of Kids Did Will Blow Your Mind. Literally. Your Skull Will Explode And You Will Die’. Instead of the ALS ice-bucket challenge, we should now just throw a bucket of ice-water on the next person who uses the word ‘Awesome!!’. Wow, wouldn’t that be awesome?


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