Pass The Visa, Barack

Cue The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro

This is a story all about how

A Gujju’s life twist-turned upside down

I’d like to take a minute, just sit there looking fly

And don’t worry, it’s not a visa story about this Gujju guy

Yes, I know a Gujju applying for a US Visa is an image bordering on hardcore racism. Stick a dhokla in my mouth and an iPod with Falguni Pathak songs in my pocket and you’ve got a stereotype on par with a drunken Punjabi, a dark-skinned rice-loving Madrasi and a chillum smoking Haryanvi Tau who looks a lot like a Spanish football coach.

Before the day of the interview, I decided to get some tips from people who’ve already experienced it, because apparently a random stranger’s experience is applicable to every other person in the world. Being the tech-savvy (Read: Facebook using) person that I am, I joined a group where people share their visa interview (VI) experiences. If you’ve never been a part of such groups, you should know that they consist of a large group of people who have a limited amount of knowledge and they do nothing to help. Well, unless you call writing posts which shake your English Grammar foundations to the core as ‘help’.

These VI experiences are shared with the minutest details which is surprising because I can’t even remember the last time I took a bath. (Family actively considering using radiocarbon dating to find out). Sample this

My Visa Experience

Date 14th June, 2014, Place: Hyderabad.

Counter No:31

Visa Officer (VO) : Female Anglo-Saxon with Dutch roots

Brand of Baniyan worn by Uncle behind me : Rupa

Taste of Coffee being drunk by VO : Raw sewage

Visa: Rejected

Reason: Because I said ‘Baby, put a little American on my passport and I’ll put a little Indian in you’

Armed with the useless knowledge of these experiences and a file which looked like an accordion, I journeyed to Bombay or Mumbai or ‘The City Which Never Sleeps’ or ‘The City Where Urine Is Used To Mix Cement’. (At least it smells like it) and reached the Visa Office located in the Bandra-Kurla complex. It is truly the spirit of Mumbai which makes it possible to combine the names of an area like Bandra, where Salman Khan lives, and an area like Kurla, where his fans live. Sort of like the phrase
Bowling Attack : Dale Steyn – Ishant Sharma

The first day consisted of fingerprinting and collecting of biometric information for the US Government who would later pass it on to the NSA who would use it to give a free colonoscopy at airports to anyone brown and having even a trace of facial hair (Females included). Huh, and they say healthcare in the USA is expensive.

On the next day, I walked to the Consulate office for the interview where snooty Indians employed by the Americans walked around shouting orders to have our passports ready, our documents ready and apologize for the film ‘Ready’. I mean that’s just so Indian, the goras give you a job and you’ll strut around like a bald eagle (Would’ve used peacock, but that’s only for Bharatiyas Yo!)

Having read the indepth experiences of visa interviews online, I felt that the VO would be like

But, in reality, he was a fat balding man, who smiled, took my passport and documents and then asked some routine questions.

VO : Good morning

Me thinks : Is baar ka humra poora lagaan maaf kar diyo sarkaar

Me Says : Good morning, how are you?

VO : Fine, thanks. So, why do you want to go to America?

Me thinks : Because money. Because jobs. Because I’m a Gujju and USA is more sacred to us than the ‘Char Dhams’. And finally, America because Naughty America

Me says : Standard Typical Answer about how a university there is so amazing that the teachers use hippo blood instead of ink and the students bathe in Perrier and how I’ve got an admission into the said university by sacrificing 40 virgin goats to Kamaal R Khan

VO : OK, who’s going to sponsor you?

Me thinks : 7 Multinational companies and 4 Indian companies. I will wear a shirt with their logos on it every day for the rest of my life

Me says : My Parents ( I mean, seriously look at the title of the blog. I can’t even afford my own domain name)

VO : OK, your Visa is approved

According to the Internet, I was supposed to feel

Actually felt like

Well, that’s it anyway, the Holy Grail has been obtained. I would like to thank my parents, my teachers, my dog, my parrot, pados ki Pooja jisko kabhi aankh mari thi, Arnab Goswami, Crime Master Gogo , Sir Alex Ferguson #ThankYouSachin…

What do you mean, it’s not mandatory to write a thank you speech?

Everyone else does it.

Irrelevant, if everyone else jumped off a cliff, I would be the one pushing them.

Sigh, I am Jack’s Dark Twisted Humour