Indian People Vs Desis

(This blogpost is inspired by this famous stand-up routine by comedian Chris Rock. )

I love Indian people but I hate desis.

You might think they’re the same but they’re not. They may look the same, sound the same but the important thing to remember is that a person is an Indian by birth, but becomes a desi purely by his or her actions. Desis come in all shapes and sizes, from all sections of society and all walks of life. An articulate banker in a 3-piece suit who forwards non-veg jokes to his secretary is as much a desi as a woman standing at the pani-puri stall clamouring for that one free masala puri. Desis are rude, narrow-minded, and they pretty much hate everyone, including each other and are best described as the yellow-coloured, sweaty pit-stain on the white T-shirt that is India.

So, what are the key differences? Well, for one thing, Indian people are super-smart. They are intelligent, resourceful and are renowned for their innovative approach to problem solving. They are Nobel Prize winners, inventors and CEOs of multinational tech companies. But, a desi is, there’s no politically correct way to say this, an idiot. Desis are so stupid that they believe intelligence means performing well in an exam. The only invention a desi has made is a relative who he killed off just to get a half-day at the office. Desis will go the extra mile to show that they are not stupid, like by reading Chetan Bhagat novels. A desi will spend all day debating the Israel-Palestine conflict but ask him to point out Israel on a World Map without using the internet and he will probably place it somewhere in Northern Europe. Desis know that they’re stupid and they can’t stand that Indian people are not. They know that they will never become as successful as an Indian person so they’re always looking for connections to them. Tell a desi your favourite film is Mr India and he will describe vividly how he once saw Shekhar Kapoor’s elbow at a family function. Well, a picture of his elbow, but it still counts. Desis also have this unbelievable gift of name-dropping and name-shaming which they usually do simultaneously.Suppose a desi gets to know that Satya Nadella became the CEO of Microsoft, he will probably say ‘Oh, I remember him. He used to live in my neighbourhood, (Name-dropping). You know, I used to get him out first ball in gully cricket. How did he ever become CEO? (Name-shaming)’.

Indian people are proud of their heritage. They love their culture which has contributed greatly to fields ranging from mathematics to medicine to art to literature. But, they also accept that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ culture. Even the ancient Indians slipped up from time to time. Almost every culture has some horrific deeds to their name. The Germans: World War 2, the Chinese: Tiananmen Square and the Americans: 9 seasons of ‘How I Met Your Mother’. But, desis take cultural pride in everything right from inventing the zero to pissing on the street. They are absolutely convinced that they have the greatest culture in the world and every other culture has evolved from it. Desis proudly sing praises of their culture while conveniently forgetting that it also created a system where people would refuse to touch you just because you were born in a particular family, drowned baby girls in bowls of milk and just for kicks, burned innocent widows on a funeral pyre. But, as usual, desis will put a positive spin on it, ‘Are, you have it all wrong. Sati was actually how Tandoori was invented. This is just a huge conspiracy by the whites to suppress our glorious culture.’

Indian people have careers. Desis have jobs. Indian people are always looking to improve themselves, get more challenging assignments and contribute positively to the workplace, in whatever capacity they can. They also manage to set up a good balance between their careers and personal lives. There are countless examples of Indian professionals who whilst conquering new heights of success in their fields every day still manage to find time for their families and pursue their hobbies. But, a desi’s idea of a career is to get a job, sit at a desk and atrophy for 40 years after which they’ll receive a gold watch and an unceremonious exit. If the boss asks them to even think about going the extra mile, they’ll grumble and groan more than a desi wife when her husband asks her for sex. Desis want to climb the ladder to the top, but instead of using elbow grease, they will use saliva. They believe that it is not important what you know, but who you know, which makes sense because a desi knows nothing. At the office, a desi will drink endless cups of tea (Because It’s Free), send ‘Market mein naya aaya hai, jaldi forward karo’ WhatsApp messages to the cute girl from HR and gossip endlessly until they figure out there is something like a deadline which prompts them to start running around like headless chickens to get their work done, but only after putting up a Facebook status which says ‘We are like airplanes, we don’t start working until our tails are on fire. LOL ,ROFL #BhaiRoxx’.

Indian people look beyond stereotypes. They appreciate diversity and know that everyone has a rich life story. They treat people as human beings. They look beyond caste, creed, region or religion but desis are the biggest bunch of racist shitheads around. They will look at you, ask you where you’re from and in one minute will form a mental image of you. For a desi, Punjabis are loud drunks, Sardars are dumb who apparently go crazy at 12 o'clock, Gujjus & Sindhis are money-minded and Maharashtrians are anti-Bihari. A guy from Delhi is a rapist, someone from Kerala is a Gulf worker, a Haryanvi Jat loves his buffaloes (literally) and a Bengali is a ‘pseudo-intellectual’ who can’t speak Hindi properly. The stereotyping is not limited to Indian borders alone. For a desi, a person from Pakistan is ‘Enemy No.1’, someone from Nepal is fit to only be a watchman and everyone from Thailand is a transvestite. An American will jump into bed with you, someone from Africa is basically a wild animal and a person from the Orient (what a desi calls Manipur) will eat anything from cockroaches to snakes to dogs. Ahh bless the desis and their minds, for if it weren’t for these stereotypes, 78% jokes in India wouldn’t exist and Kapil Sharma would probably be standing in line at the employment exchange every day. So, in a way, racism keeps unemployment down in this country. Well, talk about your silver lining.

Yes, there is no getting around it, it’s the same story everywhere : Everyone loves Indian people, but they sure do hate the desis

 
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