7 Types Of People You’ll Meet In The Comments Section
You miss the days when you could read an article without really worrying about what other people thought about it. But, those days are as extinct as Priety Zinta’s acting career. Nowadays, whenever you read an article online, whether it be an opinion piece or a news report, you can scroll down to the comments section to get the collective insights of the community. But, do so at your own peril. A philosopher would say that the comment section is always located on the bottom of the page because it represents the lowest level of human thinking. Reading through the comments would make you seriously believe this idea.
Although there are many people who do comment on such articles, they can be categorized as:
The Screamer: This person always uses All-Caps to write his comments, which is better known as the Mamata Banerjee style of typing. Frustration has been building up inside him faster than a tracer bullet and instead of dealing with it like most Indians do, in a closed room searching for ‘Hot Bhojpuri Item Songs’ on YouTube, he chooses to vent out his feelings in furious comments which have absolutely no relation to the topic of the article in the first place, but IT IS IN ALL-CAPS YOU MOTHERFUCKER, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ALL CAPS???
The NRI: This person always starts his comments with ‘I am an Indian living abroad’ which might lead some of us to assume that he is living in Bangladesh (LOL, like they have Internet there) or Pakistan (LOL, like they have computers there). He believes his comments carry weight, because naturally, everyone wants to listen to the guy with the terrible accent. Unless he’s Mallika Sherawat, of course (Yes, HE. Not a grammatical error). Then, he makes a few points about how people living there are against/supportive of the views mentioned in the article, followed by which he is verbally thrashed by everyone calling him a traitor who left his country to make a better life for himself. What a pig, right! It’s totally ok for foreigners to come to India to take away its money for their sons, daughters and damaads, but Indians HAVE to stay in India. Wow, such high thoughts, yaar. Also, pass the joint, bro.
2a. There are also some people who live in India but pose as NRIs. You can usually identify them as they write lines and lines of comments which is an absurd thing, if you think about it. True NRIs are way too busy writing lines and lines of code or changing lines and lines of towels in motels, when they get a few moments of relief from not worrying about their H1 visas, that is.
3.The XYZ-tard: A firm supporter of Modi/Rahul/SRK/Sallubhai/Kejriwal/Chicken Tandoori/Ishant Sharma. Just kidding about that last one, there are no supporters of Ishant Sharma. OK, there are a few. We call them the BCCI selectors. He believes anything his glorious leader does is ‘amazeballs’, ‘awesomesauce’ and ‘gloriofantabulous’ and will not hesitate in attacking anything which goes against his beloved idol. He will cry over how amazing his life is due to the presence of here and how they are the one-stop solution to the country’s problems like a democratic iPill. He will quickly deride any opposition and for his coup de grace, end the comment by calling them insulting names like ‘morons’, ‘retards’ or even worse, ‘Himesh Reshammiya Movie Watchers’
4.The Author-Hater: This guy is special for the fact that he will not even read the article. He will look at the name on the top of the article and conclude how the writer is actually a ‘paid journalist’, because a true journalist only writes articles in exchange for Snicker bars and Kailash Kher concert tickets. He will quickly label the article as pointless, the writer as pointless, the website as pointless and the entire universe as pointless. It is suspected that this creature is just Subhash Ghai under multiple fake names for only someone with the idea of ‘Everything is pointless’ embedded deep within his mind would give us pointless masterpieces like Kisna, Yuvvraaj and Kaanchi.
5.The Debater: This guy treats the comments section like an online debate where he is only supposed to rebut others. He comments on comments, which co-incidentally was a feature developed by web developers when they were drinking whatever Jackie Shroff was drinking while naming his son. He attacks every comment pointedly, bringing up facts and anecdotes to support him. One can only wonder why a guy with such great brains and who can do such great research didn’t go for an MBA. And then, the question answers itself.
6.The Photojournalist: This species always posts picture comments consisting of collages, press photos etc. which become a platform on which he denounces the world and everyone who lives in it. So, I guess, that doesn’t include the non-voters of Mumbai and Bangalore for they live in a world of their own, one with roads made of Starbucks coffee and trees made by Zara designers. When posting original photos, he uses Photoshop more efficiently than a teenage girl on Facebook. This guy’s life’s motto is ‘A picture speaks a thousand words’. A thousand senseless, stupid words, but a thousand words nevertheless.
7.The Rationalist: The rarest one of all, this guy rationally and logically puts his point across and if relevant, praises the writer for the new insight in the article. Such people are rarely found; because they are too busy having an actual life in comparison to trawling and trolling around on comment sections of websites all day.
Well, that’s it from me. I’ll just go and search for a Chrome plugin which disables the comments section for ignorance is, in some cases, bliss.